Inferior Furor

My boyfriend is a naturally friendly person, a trait I adore. Lately though, I’ve been getting jealous of certain interactions he’s been having. I can’t quite put my finger on it and it’s driving me insane.

First off, I was jealous over his interactions with one kid (and I am being literal here) he has no attraction to. I don’t know exactly why I was jealous. Maybe I thought he secretly liked him and wouldn’t admit it, maybe the kid secretly likes him and I magically sense that. Who knows? I wish matters of the heart were scientific so I could explain it. When I brought it up with my BF, he was surprised by it and rationed I have no reason to be jealous and said:

not to alarm you, but there are other people I think you’d be more jealous of…

Needless to say, I was alarmed. Now all I can think about is: If not this kid, then who? Who should I be worried about that he interacts with?

Someone posed a “who would you sleep with?” truth-or-dare style question to him and he dodged it, knowing his response would make me upset. I honestly don’t know what would make me more upset: knowing or not knowing?

If he tells me who he would hypothetically sleep with, how would I react? Part of me would want him to stop interacting with that person, but part of me wants him not to do anything different.

None of this is his fault. I can’t blame him for his attractions; The heart wants what it wants…or rather, the penis wants what it wants. What I’m struggling to overcome is my jealousy and my inferiority complex. I get this way sometimes. I feel like I’m not doing enough to keep him happy (though I am doing my very best!) and so he must get conversation or emotional support – or visual sexiness – from someone else within his sphere of friends.

How do you cope with jealousy?

Supergeek Saturday EP2!

Like 2 Atoms in a Molecule

Last night, I had a dream
We were inseparably entwined
Like a piece of rope made out of two pieces of vine
Held together, holding each other
With no one else in mind
Like two atoms in a molecule
Inseparably combined

The internet is an abundant playground of networking and connections. From business transactions to sex affairs, there’s something for everyone online. Like most gay men my age, I’ve tried every possible venue short of a classified ad to search for love. And like most gay men my age, I’m always disappointed. Though it has its pitfalls, I have yet to discount the internet as a valid source for love. It does, after all, allow me to get to know someone at an accelerated pace. Much less awkward than in real life, so I’m able to establish an ongoing conversation, eventually evolving into something more.

Sometimes when I connect with someone I meet online, I have to stop and wonder if it’s a pure connection or if I’m just deceiving myself. Kiss enough frogs and sometimes your heart tricks itself into thinking the next one *has got to be* a prince. Then again, sometimes that connection winds up being more real than any I’ve ever encountered in real life. Ones and zeroes become x’s and o’s and it all came as a surprise.

In the twitterverse, you converse with anyone and everyone. Offering the occasional helpful tip or poking fun in jest. Sometimes you take the effort to really get to know your twitter friends (tweeps) and sometimes you prefer to have that barrier there, so you can turn them off and give them attention only when you feel like it.

In the last month or so, I was fortunate enough to have made a connection with one of my twitter friends. Though we were familiar with each others online presence and avatar, the barrier wasn’t really broken until an attraction was made clear: He posted a photo of a science book he was certain his tweeps would find boring, but I begged to differ. I mentioned that I thought his reading material was sexy and reinforced it with an emoticon

Shortly after, we began to exchange commentary and conversation (in 140 characters or less) and before you know it, we had our first phone conversation. Though we lived on opposite sides of the continental US, we were bridged by our striking similarities.

His voice was like electricity jolting my brain. Our conversations stirred the emotions I had buried deep within me, for the safety of my heart. With every caring phone call, with every song exchanged, with every sentiment shared, the emotions I thought I had once forgotten had bubbled up to the surface like a brand new island, full of life and new experiences waiting to be had.

In the click of an instant, he had his ticket to Hawaii. The internet helped us connect, so it seemed fitting that the internet would help us physically connect. To the casual observer, this hasty action might seem reckless and foolish, but we know in our hearts that we absolutely must meet. For if this ain’t love, then why does it feel so right?

In 35 days, he will be here in my arms. We will make good on every wish we’ve expressed, every promise we’ve made. In 35 days, we will finally intertwine like 2 atoms in a molecule who don’t question their attraction, but appreciate their co-existence and that by combining, they are the building blocks of a new, exciting form of life.